When I first left home for University, I was equipped with (1) my own weight in teabags; and (2) Audrey II. Audrey was a plant of the Swedish variety (IKEA’s own), and a gift from my godmother. After 6 years and six homes, the little bromeliad is still going. And, at least initially, gave me a glimpse of nature that wasn’t sprouting from my housemates’ unwashed dishes. Audrey also sparked my long-held love of keeping houseplants. Here are just a few killer names that I would recommend:
1. Audrey II
This might appear a strange choice of name for my first plant: Why so old-fashioned? And what happened to Audrey I? The explanation, though not overly sinister, is still a little grisly. Audrey II is the name of the mysterious, man-eating, rather jazzy plant in Little Shop of Horrors.* The 1982 musical (leading to a 1986 film) is bizarre, complete with murder, rock’n’roll numbers, and a sadistic dentist. Audrey II’s key song – “Feed Me” – involves the plant demanding human blood as a cat does kibble. Just something to keep in mind when watering your own.
*I should mention that Audrey II itself is named after a girl called Audrey, a long-time crush of the musical’s protagonist, Seymour. We’re clearly a creative bunch, us plant namers.
2. Triffid
Inspired by another carnivorous species, my second purchase, Triffid, took its name from John Wyndham’s 1951 novel. The Day of the Triffids had slightly greater stakes than Little Shop – its drama was more of the apocalyptic variety. Despite the triffids’ lack of a singalong for their murderous case of the munchies, they are well established in the Monster Hall of Fame. Naming your plant after these invasive classics could be ideal if you’re looking to inspire some tenacity. Or you could water it regularly. That might work better.
3. Killer Tomato
This may be more description than name, but it is steeped in B movie history. The 1978 spoof, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, sparked a surprising series of films and television. These tomatoes have acquired a cult following, and the 1988 sequel, Return of the Killer Tomatoes, featured a young George Clooney. Now, the ‘Great Tomato War’ may not draw the musical nor literary crowds, but it seems apt for the scenes in my greenhouse, at any rate.
4. Venus
I will admit that Venus rings out as a name for a fly trap. But it also works for your bedroom succulent or flower, not least because it seems so innocuous. You might’ve been a tennis fan, or an astronomy enthusiast. But it’s ok. We know better. Your plant’s vicious namesake can stay between us.
5.Spike
Finally, as bleeding obvious as this may be, it is one of my favourites. A friend gifted me a tiny cactus last year, with its own painted pot. It even had those decorative stones you pray your pet never tries to eat. With that in mind, I couldn’t bring myself to name it after the medieval Morning Star weapon – but I could after the club’s prickliest feature. Hence, Spike!
You may be wondering; why name plants at all? Having checked a few articles, I can’t say I’m entirely sure. One of them insisted that it was “totally normal, according to science”. I wish I found that particular title more reassuring. That said, I tend to think of it as a bit of fun. And if you can be creative when anthropomorphising, then why not?